Wednesday, May 17, 2006

An Energy Solution. For Ameriqauii

As with any problem there are multitudinous solutions of varied merit. Andrew Lloyd Frebber said it best, "As there are tauntons being eviscerated on icy moons, there are flowers bearing the fruit of wisdom borne upon the winds of thought." To this end many many many many many many many many many many many many many years ago (where many is a freaking lot) a bunch of stuff died. Then more stuff died. Then lots of this happened over and over and over again. Pretty much then we came into the picture. But LO!!!! we were not alone. Indeed the flora and fauna had passed unto the ground and become oil. Sweet, dark, black, viscous, dripping oil. For here in the land of the free amongst the cans of spam and aisles of flaked potatoe based products has arisen the ulitimate consumer. The S.U.V., maligned, beloved, and encountered by all. In the quest to conquer and to arrive both quickly and before anyone else this king of the road became the penultimate consumptor of carbon-based fuels. Along the way, exploitation, profit, greed, sex, smoking, debauchery, learning, greed, and altruism sprang into up along with countless puppet governments designed to fuel the appetites of the mighty SUV. These efforts have proved to be in vain. The bottomless maw of consumptive power fueled by the expansive parking lots of the Wal-Mart narco-industrial complex further deplete the rapidly diminishing quantities of sweet black crude beneath the gentle folds of mother earth.

Enough backstory. Now for my plan for energy independence for all....

BIO-FUEL

Clean, renewable, sustainable energy, available to all! I of course speak of nothing short of powering our SUVs using the excess poundage present in the mammoth girth of the SUV drivers themselves. What solution could be cleaner than using the very same drivers of SUVs to fuel SUVs in the first place? Nothing. Like the proverbial snake eating it's own tail, the cycle of waste not, want not, would (so to speak) be crushed beneath the weight of unlimited bio-mass fuels. In every way, the problem IS the solution. You see, unless you are daft, yet not punk, that all I am proposing here is cutting out the middle-man. In this instance father time. Why wait several million years for all this potential energy to be converted into oil. Lets get with the new century, move fast, execute, and say yes! Yes to alternative fuels, yes to a reduction in bio-mass, yes to fueling our vehicles with fat! Grudnark. out.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Blogatician

Welcome you who are reader of these paltry word reflections of my thoughts. Some people view themselves as secretaries, garbage men, mothers, fathers, priests, morticians, world leaders, impressarios, game developers, or animal trainers. These people don't know jack about beauty school, nor rumor. Blogaticians however, full well know the impact their words and thoughts have on their readers. They have a keen appreciation for the careful blend of humor, rumor and insight which must be mixed in a magical quanity to keep the attention of a informationally overloaded audience jaded enough to ignore the public flogging of Martha Stewart by a bunch of sex-starved psuedo-lesbian inmates whilst lathering it up in the shower during her stay in minimum security detention. Let me just say it, here, now and forever. "I HAVE STANDARDS." Stooping to the point of writing a small treatise on my keen observations on what is wrong with government, society, my fellow man, France, virus borne plauges, television, the internet, indeed even extra-martial affairs with aliens (illegal or otherwise) is well within the intellectual grasp and capacity of most Blogaticians... but for myself... these things are abhorrent. I will endevor to discuss interesting things, things which matter to you, me, and people you and me know. These are the things of which I will speak. Things of import, things such as the looming humanitarian crisis in potato chip consumption as related to the wild spread of potato blight and radical decline of the genetic diversity of our potato crop. Things such as these keep me awake at night... and dear reader, they should keep you awake at night as well. Until we as a collective group or organized individuals move forward in a mutually beneficial way on these matters I fear that the consumption of potato chips has nowhere to go but down.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Build a raft, become a cannibal

Given the level of gravitas generated due to extreme amounts of age based retirement anxiety, today will detail my plans for the future in hopes that they may both inspire and lead you in the coming years. It has been said that "there is no such thing as a free lunch". This is simply not true. There IS abundant free lunch if your are a proficent head-hunting cannibal. Sadly, the advancement of civilization has lend to the over gentrification of the average individual in our society. Here's the genius of my plan, with one simple change to your life you can solve both the problem of not being a proficient head-hunter and the pending financial ruin induced by entering retirement. So you, my dear reader, need to learn to build a raft. This raft serves two purposes, first it allows you to reach areas still inhabited by headhunters, secondly it allows you to reach expensive island resort/retirement communities (which will undoubtedly be teeming with overweight fat-laden humans). At this point it should be obvious to the astute readers of this diatribe that the said cannibal, the posh retirement communities, and your raft equals unlimited food! So, you may be asking about why use a raft, why not a boat, ship, or aircraft? Very simple. Stealth, cost and simplicity. Your raft will cost you near to nothing to construct. Your raft doesn't attract attention and having no motors or other noisy apparatus of our industrialized lives will not warn others of your approach. Your raft will allow you to approach and befriend head-hunting cannibals much more effectively than say a snow-mobile or hovercraft. Your raft along with your newly made cannibal friend (who by the way is drooling at the prospect of being shown the valhalla like glory of herds of fat, slow, retirees easilly found and trapped in their villas) can approach and land in isolated and quiet retirement beach communities with a minimum of noise, attracting little to now attention. Hopefully it has become clear to you the benefits of making your own raft, befriending a cannibal and setting sail for your nearest oasis of unlimited culinary delights which awaits you should you choose the bold and couragous path to both financial and foodly freedom.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Just like my endocrine system

Mia Culpa, Mi Amigos

Shout Out

Yo, hommies, I here to put a shout out to my good and very often syntactically challenged aquaintence over at Loquatious Toaster. Keep spelling, speller.

Teams are teh dum

Siamese twins are a team. A bunch of dogs can get a dog-sled and become a team. Humans, pretty much can't be a team. Teams are composed of individuals. The twins and their canine counterparts are not individuals, but rather an amalgam of two humans and a loose collection of four-legged furry killing machines devoted to the singular purpose of pulling a sled. Ergo it follows that humans being neither twins nor dogs are not members of a team. If further proof is required, ask bacteria. Currently there are trillions within your body, eating, dividing and dying as you read this. Are bacteria part of a team, NO. Each has self-serving, narcissistic views of the world. They care not for the well-being of other bacteria, and indeed are likely unable to even conciously know another bacteria exists. Therefore, like humans bacteria are not team players, as they are part of an individual human, whom we have previously shown to not be part of a team. The point to all this talk about team and individually is rather obtruse, but to be clear, it is neither obfuscated nor othagonal to the discussion of whether a herd of siamese twins would indeed blindly follow the leader in a plunge to their deaths over towering cliffs while pursued by a team of dogs trailing a unguided sledge. The answer to that question is of course, sixteen. Sixteen happens to be both the number of siamese twins capable of hurling themselves over a precipise before the ensuing media frenzy results in the aforementioned canines spontaneously shedding their fur in a fit of empathetic self-flagilation. At any rate, I do wish you well, and bid you greetings from the wonderful insular pennisula of Montenegro.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Hamstruck Moonsters

There is a theory that the Moonies never really disappeared, but rather were assimilated into the socio-economical system and bought pre-made dinners with their Diners Club cards. This theory is correct. I'm not here to talk about it.

Ham. It is pork. Pork is related to Bacon. QED... Ham is related to Kevin Bacon. If you don't believe me just ask Simon Perez, he knows better than most the implications of a ham based economic disaster. Sometimes ham will be your friend and sit idly by on your breakfast plate next to the scrambled eggs, other times it will show up where you least expect it, such as in the vaccuum cleaner of the car wash. This may be a stretch for some, but to me it quite nicely explains why Kevin Bacon was at the car wash last week eating a ham sammich. Again, this is not what I'm here to talk about, what matters is that at that car wash there was a car. Not any car mind you, but a CAR.

The reason it was a CAR and not a car is because nobody could see it. You see, just as the sub-atomic realm has particles and anti-particles, so does the automotive world. Some cars you can see, and others are invisible. I know you're thinking that this has absolute nothing to do with ham. But, indulge me here... it has everything to do with ham. Why? Simple. CARs are made of ham. While the cars you drive everyday are made of metal and sometimes exotic materials such as hemp or biodegradable recycled plastic, CARs are composed entirely of ham. Anti-ham to be precise (if it was really ham, you could see and smell CARs). Why does this matter? It doesn't. You as a being composed to particles which interact and observe normal "ham" based auto will never interact or sense the "anti-ham" based particles. Which means that even though I suspect that the anti-Kevin Bacon is riding in an anti-ham cadilliac at this very moment down I-80 near Larimie, you and I will never know for sure.